Parenting

You know how they say parenting does not come with a book?

Well, that old saying does not mean shit.. until it does.. mean shit that is.

Day three of pre-k Kindergarten.. The nurse called..he walks right into a pole.

Day four.. The nurse called.. he falls in the bathroom... and on the playground.. or so I'm told.

He comes home.. kids had been picking on him.. and pushed my baby down! You believe that?

I write the teacher, she calls me.. assures me everything is fine and she will keep an eye out.

Friday.. he falls asleep in class and pees his pants. for real.

Today is Monday. The principal calls. He pushed down and beat up.. the same boy picking on him last week.

What I do next, might determine how he handles these situations for the rest of his life. I never imagined having this problem. It frankly.. pisses me off. I feel so sorry for him. Yeah, I know he beat someone up.. but put yourself there... in that grade.. with those kids.. and the aforementioned situations...what would you? what did you do?

So.. I was gonna ground him. I thought about it all day long.

I'm not grounding him. We are going to have a long talk tonight. I'm proud of him for defending himself.. but..I think I'll tell him.. that resorting to violence isn't always the answer. What do you think blogosphere? Am I wrong here? Parenting is tough on the soul at times.

Me and My Vagina

Yep, that's that title. Get the fuck over it.

So .. after grueling weeks of bullshit. I find out that I have moderate dysplasia. For you dumbasses out there who don't know what the hell that is (lol, neither did I) It's pre-cancerous cells in the vah-jay-jay. Apparently, worse than your typical run of the mill MILD dysplasia.. which Is what I was hoping for. Well, actually, I wasn't hoping for any of this shit.. but that's life.

So after some vah-jay-jay biopsy bullshit, I find out I now have to have my cervix (that's in the vah-jay-jay apparently) burned out (LEEP procedure), and more biopsies done to make sure that the bullshit isn't anywhere else. With no medical insurance (meaning a lighter sedation techinque) I'm real fuckin excited! lol

He tells me if I had waited six more months it would have been invasive cancer, and I would have been el-screwed-o.

Six months. I'm one lucky bitch (well, minus the burning out of the vah-jay-jay, that is) So that's what I'M doing for vacation this year. lol

Could always be worse. =)

You don't know me

Someone once told me that I am at my best.. when things are at their worst..and today.. I knew that was true. It made me write a little something actually..

You don't know me..

But I shine.. when the sky is dark..

I'm a ray.. when the clouds only let.. just one through..

and this too..

Shall pass.

and this too.. shall pass.

I stand thankful

If I were to go over the most notable things I have accomplished in my life..

My son would be what I would write about the most.

He never questions the decisions I make, just assumes they are for his best. He just trusts me. It's that simple. Mommy knows best. It's that kind of love that will change a person.

Since his dad gave up on him, I have learned a lot of things that I never realized. I am the most lucky person in the world, to have another person... love me so .. much.

I mean.. what did I ever do to deserve that kind of trust.. that kind of love? Nothing. I've merely survived, and tried my best to always do the "right thing"..

Lately, by working two jobs, and preparing to re-enroll in college... (while enrolling him in kindergarten omfg!) ...I've realized.. I can never over-compensate enough.. to make him blind sided to the fact he is missing something.. and he is. I never really had a "father" growing up, so to speak. So I thought to myself.. that If I work night and day, he would know that his mother worked hard for the things we had.. but today it occurred to me.. he will know.. just like I knew.. that something was missing. Today, I cried for him. I vowed to do my best to make sure he never knows the resentment that I hold, or anger that I feel.. but nonetheless.. today, I cried. Cried because no matter how much "I" do, it will never be enough to complete him.

Yet, I get to feel all his love right now. Seems selfish.. to hold so much love in the palm of your hands.. and not share it... but ..

A part of me feels I have earned it. This is my ultimate payoff for everything gone wrong.

This is my paradise. His love.. is my saving grace...

And I stand thankful. So.. very.. thankful, for my son.

Mother's Day

I love mother's day.

It's one day a year you get to show your mom how much you love her.

...Hey we put up with a lot of shit(literally)!

Call your mom and tell her you love her.

Now.

Do it.

The best gifts aren't gifts at all

It has happened before.

My mother and I.. we found this roll of film once.. and it was really old. it was a like finding a gold mine.. what, what, WHAT could be on this film.. maybe my brother? Uncles? Could be anyone.. so we waited sooooo anxiously for that film to get in.. and when it finally arrived.. it was junk. Just junk pictures. I could hear a sadness in mom's voice when I called and told her they were crap..

So it happened again.. kinda

My aunt brought a tape to my mother...My aunt had said that she heard my brother laughing on the tape. Well, I'm not sure why.. but mom waited to look for batteries until I got there. Hell, I couldn't wait two minutes before finding and getting them in there.. and then.. ears glued to the recorder...we listen with anticipation..and nothing. It was just me and my cousin playing around with a recorder... dis-a-fucking-pointed.. again.

So I flipped the tape over..and rewound.. and hit play.. and there he was.. James, my brother, was talking to me.. not to me now of course.. but he was talking to me on the tape.. we were talking to each other rather...and truly if he had not said his name, and then I said "James quit" .. I would have doubted it was him. I did not recognize his voice at first.. but my mother knew right away.. the look in her eyes.. and then she walked off.. and I knew why.. I felt it too..it made it all too real... made him real again.. all at once.. all at once.. he was missing again.. all at once we could not hear that voice in person..all at once he was alive.. but not..

But right alongside that emotion.. there was another one. For 13 years this tape has been misplaced and forgotten about.. and managed to find its way back to us. I felt/feel so special, so lucky.. so blessed..

To hear his voice call me sissy.. is the best mother's day present I could have ever asked for. Actually, it's the best present period, for anything. A "present" couldn't begin to replace what this tape means to me. Hell, just to hear his voice.. after 13 long years. My god. My brother. My funny, loving, brother. What a gift to have. I think I'll put it up.. and save it.. so I never forget his voice again.

Life is strange.

And there you have it.

I have had to quit blogging so many times.. due to employment..

However.. I now have a new job. Starts tomorrow!

So fuck it. Read my shit, I don't care. I love blogging, always have. It has always been a free journal of my life.. that others get to read and comment on.. and it's fun.. and lets face it.. I'm a blogger at heart.. a true internet.. nerd. Yup.

What have you been up to AF?

Well, I was helping take care of my gpa for awhile... that kinda went by the wayside.. I'm probably the worst daughter ever for abandoning my mother in her time of need.. but suddenly I had this other need of my own pop up.. companionship.

I know.. I know.. me? really? needing someone around? True story. Whats worse? I really enjoy it. It's nice to feel like you're a part of something... a family. It's really nice. I had forgotten what that was like. Having kids everywhere.. is FUN! A lot of work.. but fun nonetheless. Plus.. he's already made it a month! =)

I went mushroom hunting last week, to no avail. All I accomplished that day was sitting on a log, in a quiet, dimly lit, wooded area.. and the silence seemed to leave too much room for thought.. there on that log.. and found myself missing my uncle.. and thinking of our last mushroom hunt together one year ago.. it was a strange feeling.. being the in the woods alone that day. Very strange indeed. I can't recall a time that I had ever gone alone.

So I decided.. that the next hunt I went on, I wouldn't go alone. So I broke my city boy in.. yep.. took him mushroom hunting for his first time ever.. we also took his kiddos and mine.. you can't buy that kind of fun anywhere. The results? About two gallons. =) All is good here. All is good.